Mentalmandy Poetic license to rant

Nothing

2011-02-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Nothing no words
the cat has my tongue he hold on to it fiercely
medication took my pen
all the ink ran out
nothing flowed
the ink returned flying as a free bird
nothing is everything
unscrambled thoughts untied
burnt into the crumbled paper
clear as day, colourful as autumn
words appear as new leaves upon
a old worn out tree
the words unraveling like wild branches
the words flow into song

Tusnami

2011-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

I don't know where these emotions these feelings, I don't know how they came
these feelings are there all time until
they are nothing fuelled by excuses and shame
Living in a dream
where the water consumes from up high as the mountains
angry and deadly dark night ski
floating with the death everywhere
bodies falling slowly though the cold dark waters
I am standing under the great shadow of a mountain see
waiting for the crash to suck me into the path
of stampeding fallen water
people falling over me
Can't breath, numb, drowning
I struggle my head to stay above the fast crashing water
I float over the crashing water
grab hold the strong branched arm
pull myself from the water
away from the stench of death
hang waiting to become alive, saved and to fight the cold deep deathly water

Air Bipolar; come fly with us and lets fly far away

2011-02-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

I love you bipolar, even though you are pretty annoying at times

it was a very entertaining condition for it gives me the high energy to live life to full,
until you crash down to earth
they call it bipolar now days bisexual sounds better but then that is just being greedy
falling from the north pole to the south pole on a pogo stick,
jumping high across the earth , land and mountains that reach to the sky and to another level of existence where the skies, rivers, streams roll into the wild crashing engulfing oceans
then you find frozen empty lands that roll into calm and warm seas,
in which there lies vast frozen landscapes and ice caps, snowing frozen deserted lands to never ending emptiness across the desserts of Africa with their mirages and delusions of water and life, littered with death and numbness
running high across the earth to reach the south pole to do it all again
This a long journey taken by us frequent flyer's of air bipolar: 'Come Fly with us, come fly away' until we glide or free fall into the priory or just float gently to destination stable ready to take off again...

23 Feb 2011 01:00am Note to self way past my bed time

Rants of a Mad woman's warped mind

2011-02-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

I like to rant, my peotry rants about former lovers, madness, hate, death, mental illness, mania, depression, lost love, psychiatry, life, animals, the marginal outcasts of the university town of Cambridge UK. Between 2006 and 2011 I have been up, I have been down, I have been under, over, to hell and back and back again in years where bipolar has made me live my life and find out who I am - sometimes I take pictures sometimes they say something to me and my littleness in nature. My first poem from my crazy mind was Words it has all the words that have been heard by my ears mostly insults. I am not the sum parts of them words. I call myself mentalmandy inspired by my college drinking budies to be the name that described a free spirit vibrant presence in all the uni bars, drink all night party all night and sleep in lectures until the bar opens again.

Little Cat and Big Tiger

2011-02-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

Moody Sky

2011-02-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

Time

2011-02-23T15:14:00.003-08:00

Time

I live in the present
The future does not exist
The past is as good as the present
The past is as real as the present
Yet also as real as a dream and just like a dream it seems unreal
It would be nice if everything stayed the same
breaking the cycle stuck in a rut
its hard to change when you can't change
sometimes change is not about choice
I cannot control the world I can only control myself
I have felt as if life is in control of me
I'd like to to be in control of me
I'd like to be in control of life
If you live in the past you take your past into your future
I have always lived in the present,
the future is just something that happens that becomes my past

May 2007

Mandy Peterson

Control

2011-02-23T15:14:00.001-08:00

Control

Life is in control of me
I need to take control back
Everyday is a battle
nothing is simple anymore
Controlled by psychiatrist's, doctor's and employer's
Why such a fight?
Why so much flight?
Anger is all consuming
caught between being and doing
Without music I would be lost
Everything must be thought about; everything I say, do and eat
Life is not meant to be like this
The words make sense in my head but my mouth cannot produce them
on paper straight from the jumble of words in my mind here are my thoughts
but who is reading?

Last Summer

2011-02-23T15:13:00.006-08:00

Last summer

Relaxing in the sun
swimming in the cool water
picnic's in the park
lazy afternoon's with bad mother's club
watching the world go by sat down by the river
drinking on the common
barbeque's by the river
impromptu parties in the garden
champagne flowing
finest zinderfal with hint strawberry fizzing away
dancing all night in the fez
long summer evenings smoking at the mill pond
cocktails at the rat and parrot
camp fires and rock music in the Derbyshire countryside
sea of tent's in the hot sun
smell of summer and the smell of freedom
the sound of children laughing
breezes whistling through the tree's
the orchestra of heels dancing through the town on a summer night
giggles of girls having fun
life was simple and innocent
like a volcano it exploded and the bubble burst

2006

Limerance

2011-02-23T15:13:00.005-08:00

Limerance

Your skin was so soft
Your touch was electrifying
Your lips were full and warm
Your voice soft and gentle
Your smile lifted my world
Your eyes glowed
I never noticed how beautiful you are
Love potion dropped in my eyes
I have been enchanted for so long
No one else would do
Your words are burnt in my brain
they haunt me
I am glad I had those moments
When I am sad I can disappear into the past

Alone

2011-02-23T15:13:00.003-08:00

Alone

Alone because
I was scared of being alone
Alone because I am scared of being hurt
Alone because it is too much effort to pretend
Alone because no one understands me
Alone because sometimes I choose to be alone
Alone because people are arseholes
Alone trapped inside my mind
Alone observing the world
Alone watching happy people surrounded by love and laughter
I would not care if I had always been alone and had not known any different
If I'd have known this this time last year I'd have held on tight to all I had and not let go

Senses

2011-02-23T15:13:00.001-08:00

Senses

The smell of bread that does not exist
A feeling of deja-vu
A sudden sense of fear and dread
There is a whole in my stomach
Sudden excitement mixed with panic
children's screams are like dagger's in my ears
the police siren's explode in my ear
eyes fixed and staring
flashing pictures in my mind
rapid thoughts, jumping words
dazed and confused I get on my bike hurry home where it's safe and quiet

What is wrong with me?

2011-02-23T15:12:00.005-08:00

What is wrong with me?

I would say you are more bi-polar
Don't worry they have meds for that
If you have Asperger's I will eat my hat
it may taste better with ketchup
If you do have Asperger's its only mild
Your problems are due to low self esteem
Your lack of eye contact is due to lack of confidence
I know someone with Asperger's who has to buy a red hat and a red skirt every saturday
We are all autistic, I told you that
Well I wouldn't have said you were Asperger's
I have been on a course they said people with Asperger's can life independent lives
So independent they may be among you and you would not know it
She just won't except that she may not be autistic
Funny the doctors and the pychiatrists believe I am mentally ill
but those around me think I am a hypocondraict
I have always have been different and I am just a scared little girl who would like some help
More than anything I like people to except me for who I am and understand me

Eggs

2011-02-23T15:12:00.003-08:00

Eggs

Waiting for an egg to boil
the cloud is approaching
I'm trying to blow it away
the washing is done
the cat is staring at me
he wants my sandwich
its raining I've finished the mayfairs
I'm writing a poem
Dave has centred himself permantly
I've hollowed myself temporaily
I've shelled the egg
the music has finished
the sun is coming out
I'd better fix my bike
facebook has crashed
what a peaceful boring day

Buried

2011-02-23T15:12:00.001-08:00

Buried up to your neck in sand
no tears to water the dry ground
for love forbiden love
you lay buried alive
awaiting your fait
no one can save you
people gather with rocks and stones,
for god they throw the final blow
that ends your suffering and brings darkness
to your world
blood pours and cleanes
your eyes of the sight of a world full of hatred
that allows a girl raped by three men
to be stoned to death for adultery

Baby Girl Lemur

2011-02-23T15:11:00.005-08:00

Baby Girl
Sorry I was not there to save you to comfort you
hold you close in your last hours
I miss your loud purrs and your wobbly belly
your big grin
I know you follow me into the kitchen
not looking for food but being my little angel watching my soul
play safe in the sun at the bridge chassing the birds
your could only watch now you can touch
you were my first
my baby lemur girl
sleep tight little one

crazy reality

2011-02-23T15:11:00.003-08:00

I can't say what I feel and what I dream
its not right it might seem like an episode of friends
but there are no breaks
there are no happy endings
this one will have to pass by
it feels like I am ill when I am well it will seem crazy
unrealistic fantasy because I have lived it for real
can't have everything I want but sometimes be careful what you wish for
my trigger happy fingers aways do the talking

unscrambling my mind with a sharp pencil

2011-02-23T15:11:00.001-08:00

Nothing
nothing the words quiet
the cat got my tongue
the meds dried up the ink in my pen
the pencil broke the led dried up
nothing flowed
back now the ink is running though the thoughts are slow
but my mind is free
nothing is everything
unscrambled thoughts onto paper
de de do de do de do
on to paper clear as day as colourful as the autumn leaves on the trees

A Poem

2011-02-23T15:10:00.003-08:00

A poem

what is a peom? Is it prose
12 lines of words displaying feelings
random jiperish without meaning
a story in a puzzle with rhymes
a headache in exams
an epic picture with words
a song to charm the soul
a lifestory in short bursts of creativty
a modern prayer for humanity
an insight into the mind of the insane
something not to unlike a dream
with meaning somewhere
a collection of squares with no end

Ignorance is bliss

2011-02-23T15:10:00.001-08:00

Ignorance is the bliss of totalitarian Britain
knowledge is a gift of a free society
individuality and acceptance of difference is a key to a free liberal world
Ignorance is not an excuse for lack of knowledge
Why is knowledge so feared?
Where is our right to freedom of speech?
Why was anything after 1979 not defined as history by Thatcher's Britain?
Why did they tell my teacher not to teach us about the anti-vietnam movement,
about the miners strike or about the JFK assassination
Why did they not want us to know? What did they not want us to know?
What would we find out?
Thater stole our milk I liked my glass of milk every break time
Maybe I would be 5"8 instead of 5" 6
Big brother is watching us
they want to put a CCTV camera at the end of my street
to stop the juveniles anti-social behaviour, they will just go
somewhere else and they will put a camera there
we fight for freedom and democracy in Iraq and not for oil?
Why don't we check ourselves first?
What a messed up world we live in but I will not conform to be trained norm robot

Rupert

2011-02-23T15:09:00.004-08:00

Rupert

You are are my mood stabiliser
You make me laugh
You cheer me up when I'm sad even when I don't want to be cheered up you do it
A fucking pain in the arse
Yet sweet, caring and kind I see that
Buff? Eat up all your green's hun you may grow up big and strong
Pull ya pants up hun I really don't need to see your arse hanging out ya trouser's
Lets eat some skittles
See if we can stop the blender with our finger's
If you let me eat all the red ones I will let you go first

Hypomanic Planets

2011-02-23T15:09:00.003-08:00

Planets hypomania

Men are from Mars?
Women are from Venus?
What a load of shite
Have you seen that bloke
What the fuck does he know
We are all from another planet
I'm from fucking Pluto
I thought I was on planet earth
How fucking confused am I?
Its like I have woken up from a drunken stupor a 30 year bender
And I do not know where the fuck I was for 30 years
This is one hell of a come down
The thing is I thought I was on Mars
I tried to be on Venus
I tried to be on Earth
but in my head I was from Pluto
Fuck me why did I give up the weed?
Anyone able to score me a henry?
Get me some speed I need to slow down before my head explodes
The doctor said I will give you some conventional drugs to replace the weed
Had some fucking hallucinations but my reality is fucking mad
I need sleep

2011-02-23T15:09:00.001-08:00

My Religion (Influenced by my name is earl)

2011-02-23T15:08:00.005-08:00

My Religion (Influenced by my name is earl)

Do good things, good things will happen
Do bad things, bad things will happen
Things will come back and bite you on the arse
Don't judge people, understand and listen
Practice what you preach or don't preach
Don't make people conform, check yourself
Own up to your mistakes and forgive people
If you are offended don't read, don't look, don't listen fuck off
Talk to each other more
Stand up for what you believe in
Do not force your belief's on others
Do not say things that hurt people or at least try not to
Be who you are, please yourself and no one else
Rules are for breaking or at least bending if they are crap and pointless
Never hit kids they may get older and hit you back

Mandymonalogue

2011-02-23T15:08:00.003-08:00

Mandymonalogue

Two left feet that make two right feet
A clutsy fucker sorry if there no pint glasses left d'oh smashed another
A fucking drama queen its a more entertaining than Eastender's
Give me a few splifts and give me a stage I will be happy
A bloody gobshite with a mouth like a sewer
You can wash me mouth with all the soap in the world
there is only one way to shut my mouth
I got fucking tourettes
fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fucker cunting CUNT CUNT CUNT
Moater mouth with a powerful engine a chip monk on speed
Define irony?
a bunch of morons singing a song by band that died in an plane crash
on a hijacked plane or something like that
Don't control me I will tell you to fuck off
Kiss my big not so fat northern arse and put that in your pipe and smoke it
Stop me if you can I may need to pause for breath
I was born this way what's your fucking problem
I had 29 years 11 months and I can't really be arsed working out how many days to think of this
I may not care if you are listening
I'm just thinking out loud
I am happy I may get your attention when I want to jump into the TV
because the junk food looks nice and I got the munchies
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Am I bothered not really not anymore I never had a chip pan
why the fuck don't they do sausage dinner's and gravy down here
how the fuck can you make decent chippy chips without lard where the fun in that?
You can take the girl out of the north but not the north out of the girl
Bobby if you want to run around Cambridge naked that's ok by me!
Let it all hang out sweetheart
Watch them full moon's all the 'freaks' will come out and scream
Kate you are my pillow, my confident,
the most amazing person, fantastic mother, wonderful person and loyal trusting friend we all love you

Labels

2011-02-23T15:08:00.001-08:00

Labels

Price me up and put me in a box
Seal the box tight
Suffocate me
Smash the box open
Let me be free
The only label I need is me
Do not fix me I am not broken
Who makes society's 'rules'
Who decides what is socially appropriate
Don't tell me off for being me
Understand me and except me for who I am?
If you want me to understand you tell me who you are?
If I look sad ask me am I okay?
I may just be bored, I might be happy, I might be confused, I may be upset
You will never know unless I laugh or cry

Things to do before 30

2011-02-23T15:07:00.003-08:00

Things to do before 30

Fuck James
Have fun
Make more friends
Rediscover my love of music
Go Camping
Go to my first festival
Rough it
Find my style or lack off who gives a fuck
Give up the weed
Live alone
Rediscover my creative side
Get direction in life
Get a tattoo
Get some piercings
Read more
Take more pictures
Find out who I am and love myself
See the Wonderstuff live waited along time shame Martin died he was sexy
Watch all the saw movies, the exorcist, clock work orange and anything else I missed
Learn to play acoustic guitar
Follow my dream's
Stick to one personality Mine
Start a new list got a lot to do before I am 40

Fix me?

2011-02-23T15:07:00.001-08:00

Fix me?

He saved my life I did not know that at the time
Count to ten with me....
He never understood me
I puzzled him
I saw my true self in him somewhere
I could have loved him if I knew what love was
He helped me find my identity because he puzzled me
He let me into his head
I let him into my head
Just the tip of the iceberg
I thought I knew what I wanted
He could not fix me because I was not broken
He did not know I was not broken nor did I
He fixed me by leading me to myself

People

2011-02-23T15:06:00.006-08:00

People

We all want to be loved and to love
Amazing jigsaw's
A never ending puzzle
small details and pieces
a world of voices happy and in pain
sometimes the pieces don't fit
sometimes the pieces fit nicely and come with a manual
the biggest puzzle has millions off pieces that are mixed up in my mind
they make me
the giant puzzle is this world
focus on the pieces of that jigsaw you will open the door to this alien planet that is my world

Smelly Feet

2011-02-23T15:06:00.005-08:00

Smelly Feet

They are rank, they are rancid and they are putrid
They make me feel sick
They linger in the carpet
Mingled with the smell of his BO, Stale tobacco, dirty clothes, greasy hair
Imagine the most disgusting smell
worse than the sewage works
that was Fat James and his feet
No airfreshener, no plug-in would make it go
It only went when he did but it stays in my mind
I did not understand why she never smelt what I did

Things that go bump in the night

2011-02-23T15:06:00.003-08:00

Things that go bump in the night

Lots of creaky noises, weird sounds as I try to sleep
Don't worry its only the house going to sleep
Sudden noises outside awakes me
A moment of panic makes my heart race
For a split second I panic is the door locked
Is there someone in the house
Its only the cats jumping on the tin roof
I try to get to sleep but I can't
My mind is racing with all the weird sounds
doors slamming in the neighbour's houses
toilets flushing, the TV downstairs, loud voices screeching
Couples fighting, children screaming, fireworks exploding
Yardi's fighting, police raiding, tears of abused women screaming
The whispers of the West Indian woman dead in her bed above me
The pain of the old lady who's spirit rested in 40 Tildsley Cresent
Wide boy's shouting talking shit over the TV
Alone my mind races
I bolt the door, put on the chain, dead lock the door,
Lock the window's, keep the lights on,
Watch TV until I pass out with exhaustion
With other people I feel safe
With him I felt secure when he was not there
I was vulnerable to the sounds and bumps
in the nights that terrorised my mind
Now it just fucks me off because I can't sleep

Words

2011-02-23T15:06:00.001-08:00

Words

stick's and stones may break my bones
word's will hurt me and puzzle me
normal, stupid, Cluttsy, bitch,
fat bastard, freak, swot, slag,
lazy, abnormal, bunny boiler,
insensitive, slow, retard, thick,
ugly, naughty, mental, paranoid,
Me-Me, Liar, verbose, Verbal diarrhoea,
ignorant, selfish, drama-queen, bad,
uncaring, generalise, personalise,
over-analyse, sorry, love, caring,
beautiful, sweet, confused, frustrated,
angry, sad, relieved, labels,
individual, disability, mild, lucky,
weak, depressed, worried, concerned,
anxious, different, same, relative,
lost, lonely, alone, company,
fun, funny, loving, caring,
clever, intelligent, IQ, buxom,
loud, quiet, imagination, creativity,
dreams, ambition, hope, faith,
bonny, smelly, odd, nice, like,
interests, obsessions, change,
fear, blame, regret, safe, secure,
shame, embarrassed, confidence,
self-esteem, self-worth, scared,
empathy, understanding, patience,
acceptance, forget and forgive.

The Dark side of Cambridge

2011-02-23T15:05:00.003-08:00

The Dark side of Cambridge

The Dark side of Cambridge
In the deepest darkest corners of Mill Road
In the dark side street's of the Arbury
In an oasis of creativity hidden in the roughest corners of Cambridge
In the seediest pub's
In the outskirts in caravan's
In the homes on the river
In the darkest corner's of the Cam bar
In my house
Are the people who are hidden away
Who are wonderful, different and creative
Who are rejected by Cambridge
Hidden away because they do not blend in with the architecture, the beautiful park's
They do not conform
Its the darkside that is beautiful and lights up the city
Come out of hiding
Its those who are up their own arses that should hide

Things that go bump in the night

2011-02-23T15:05:00.001-08:00

Things that go bump in the night

I am your patient I don't like you
Your empathy is lacking if not none existence
Are you normal?
Do you have Asperger's?
Did you get your specialism from rainman?
Are you a woman?
I wanted to punch your lights out
Would that make me moody?
Or would that make me angry?
Your eyes are evil
Your voice is cold
Poo faced ice queen
Shipman would have been more sensitive
Me thinks me is going to see my Jamaican homeopath
My specialism is more interesting and amazing than yours
that is me, I will keep my personalities
I do not need you to tell me that I am me
I hope you can sleep at night
Your names on the list at the gates of hell
I don't think you will see me there

2011-02-23T15:04:00.005-08:00

2011-02-23T15:04:00.003-08:00

Bliss

A foggy haze
A weightless feeling
lovely goey softness
falling inlove with my bed again
attached to my stoner sofa made for just for me
feeling sleepy floating in my bed
warm and tingly
blizzful peace without a care in the world
time stands stands still yet passes so quickly
put the kettle on make a brew and pass me the cookies

2011-02-23T15:04:00.001-08:00

What is wrong with me?

would say you are more bi-polar
Don't worry they have meds for that
If you have Asperger's I will eat my hat
it may taste better with ketchup
If you do have Asperger's its only mild
Your problems are due to low self esteem
Your lack of eye contact is due to lack of confidence
I know someone with Asperger's who has to buy a red hat and a red skirt every saturday
We are all autistic, I told you that
Well I wouldn't have said you were Asperger's
I have been on a course they said people with Asperger's can life independent lives
So independent they may be among you and you would not know it
She just won't except that she may not be autistic
Funny the doctors and the pychiatrists believe I am mentally ill
but those around me think I am a hypocondraict
I have always have been different and I am just a scared little girl who would like some help
More than anything I like people to except me for who I am and understand me

2011-02-23T15:03:00.003-08:00

Questions

What are you scared off?
Why do you hate me?
Why do I irritate you so much?
Why do I stress you out so much
Why don't you have the time to listen
Why do you walk away when I talk
Why do you ignore me
Are you scared of what I may know
Will it highlight your own issues
Will it challenge your ideas of what it is to be normal
So why are you so sarcastic
So why do you see so much of yourself in me
because I am not you
Why do you have these assumptions
So why do you generalise
So why can you not accept there is a different answer
might it explain the emptiness inside you
are you really sure of yourself
why do you try to please everyone
why do you sit on the fence
why don't you let people into your head what is inside
you go to work you get pissed are you happy?
Why do you disect my mind when you do not have the intellect to do so?
Why do you judge people so wrongly
Whilst you ignore me I will be watching and observing
Maybe if you stop behaving so badly I will stop pycho-analysing you

2011-02-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

2006

whilst I was analysing everyone around me and retreating into my obessessions
Whilst I was smoking vast amounts of weed and searching for myself
I forgot;
to watch my favourite soaps
to stopped watching movies on my own
to watch the news
to read papers
to read novels
what happened last year?
I know what happened to me
It was a fatastic year a rollercoaster ride inside my head
I had lots of fun being myself so why did I get ill?
Why have people turned their backs?
What have I done wrong?
Why will they not let me be who I am?
I will be who I am but its hard to be alone
Do I pretend to be normal or mentally ill?
No one will except me for who I am

2011-02-23T15:02:00.004-08:00

sweet smell of soap that smells of something or someone in the past
porclain skin and a naughty grin
lips full and warm its like I kissed them yesterday
mind full of wisdom and knowledge that never makes sense
I do remember the first time I met you
sometimes you could finish my sentences because I couldn't
these are only the tangible things for the rest don't have words
it is just a feeling like neausia
don't why I have become soft on those beautiful eyes I feel but cannot see
I do not want to repair you but I'd want to make you into a fantasy
soft in the head living in the clouds with you
not sure where these feelings came from
shut up by excuses and shame
living in a dream world
fantasies take a break from reality
reality is dim and dark loveless
you had the chance to share the fantasy but you fucked up
not me time has shed live on manic times
normal people took the piss so I could people please
the real world brings pain, an empty obis filled with obessession
and sorrow to be infactuated and love from a distance in secret
this could be about anyone pure fiction or not
only the heart knows the truth and the aura displays the truth
anyway you choose to piss on our friendship
so no roses are red but daggers are red
knifes are shinny a poison to end the pain
like romeo and juliet
on a crisp dry cold winters evening in cambridge
the trees hear the words
the wind touches your cheeks
the voices in your head tell you my thoughts
relayed in a dull wisper of doom and hatred you brought on your self

2011-02-23T15:02:00.003-08:00

Mandy's unofficial facebook poem

Mandy is writing a poem
Mandy was having a cup of tea
Mandy is having a fag because she has to
Mandy is reading facebook
Mandy was reading a book
Mandy cannot sit still
Mandy has high hopes for another cup of tea that has less caffeine than coffee
Mandy is writing mundane shit on facebook
Mandy wonders why?, just why?
Mandy has a large hat
Mandy watches her cat watch himself in the mirror
Mandy takes a cycle ride to town
Mandy is having a cup of tea again
Mandy has arrived at the art group
Mandy is eating a sandwich
Mandy has food on the brain and a storm in her mind
Mandy wonders why there are so many egg boxes on the table
Mandy has farted and no one noticed
Mandy smiled at a sexy builder and flew up the cycle bridge
Mandy has time travelled
Mandy is back at lifecraft
Mandy is home and is reading facebook

Water

2011-02-23T15:02:00.001-08:00

Water

Now I can think
My mind is clear and pure
I can see through the muddy murky waters
which flooded my mind
I now know what is real
I have a void, a void you left in me
I spent weeks alone
with the floods of water from my mind
Flooding my eyes until the lake of mind rundry
there are no more tears
there no more missing you
I am all dried up

Birth of a new life and death of the old life

2011-02-23T15:01:00.003-08:00

In the room where we spent our first night together
You told me that you loved me
That was the first time I heard those words
I was so happy that night
I was also scared of falling for you,
That night I decided to love you and face my fears
to let you in
Now in that room there is a new life
ready to blossom and grow
Now I know that room where I love started was meant for something bigger
What a special room all pretty and yellow
When I see that room again
It will remind that new life starts and old lives die
There is love once again in that room and it is nice to know that

2011-02-23T15:01:00.001-08:00

I sit and rock
Stair at the shadows you left in my home
I sleep on you side of the bed
I can almost sense that you are here
I feel you with me and so much reminds
I close my eyes and picture
you hamering my door with you finger on the spy hole
Then I see you walk in my door
I try to feel the peace and forgiveness
I imagine what I would say but the words cannot form in my mind
I can close my eyes hold on to the feelings I had
I need to know it was real
so quickly you found my friend to fill my shoes
Forgiveness is hard I'm not ready to forget

2011-02-23T15:00:00.004-08:00

My muppet cat, mupster, mups, side ways walking cat

A bundle of soft fur he a dog in cats clothing
a little bit well maybe a lot daft
he needs me to look after him
when in reality he looks after me
follows me everywhere in our flat
he sits on top of my computer like a tiger guarding his territory
He snores very loudly
Pick him up and cuddle him like a baby
this cat has more wisdom that most humans I know
he figured out that you never loved me
tried to tell me in his rejection of me
he loves to eat spiders and we hunt daddylonglegs together
he trully is a muppet cat that walks sideways

2011-02-23T15:00:00.003-08:00

What is a proper relationship?
I not sure what you mean by that
maybe that is what you tell her
make you feel less guilty
I let you into my life and my family loved you
We loved each other intensly
you destroyed that
feel hurt that I have to wonder what is real
it was real to me and never felt so happy
when I was with you when things were good
like dying drying flower one by one the petals
rooted like you love
I had my dreams in my grasp now they are
nightmares that my subconscious eats away at me
you wanted to die in my arms in your 90s
doubt you live that long
you certainly dead to me
no home with a big bath
I use my camera you gave me to photograph our life
together to capture my world as I see it
now have to make my life worthwhile alone

2011-02-23T15:00:00.001-08:00

Cold

In bed I feel calm, warm and relaxed
Sleep is a long way off
instead of worring I read poetry
the words inspire me late into the night
with the almost full moon lighting the cold dark night
stars glisstening I can feel the siberian chill in the wind
which upon the swans came to announce the beginning of a long cold winter
I will be hibernating cozy warm nights in
this winter I will be a lounge lizard alone
different kind of cold wind is beginning in the void left in my life

2011-02-23T14:59:00.001-08:00

2011-02-23T14:58:00.002-08:00

That night I felt drawn to your energy
we stood outside the 02 next to the Michael Jackson wall
you came up behind me and put your arms around me held me up,
ran your fingers through my hair
I felt at that moment a spark engnite
drawn to you like a moff to a flame
I knew I would get burned
sat in the back of the car I was physically drawn to you
couldn't stop myself from reaching out to you
your voice was so soft and gentle
I rubbed your shoulders and caressed your hands your arms
wanting more, felt you respond
then I had a image of us being together I knew it would be
knew we both felt a connection that was intense and wonderful
wanting more, know you did too
I'm sure I even loved you that night

Flames

2011-02-23T14:58:00.001-08:00

Untitled

2011-02-23T14:57:00.002-08:00

I still love him even though its been so long
right now I feel my love will last forever
his love only lasted a few months
he turned it off like a tap
he only sleeps with people he loves and we no longer share a bed
is there any reason why he fell out of love with me?
He told me really fell for me, two weeks later he told me he loved me
three words very powerful more so when they don't say it back anymore
painful to stand by watch someone love for you die
our love disappeared into nothing so sad there was so much promise
what and if are the the most wonderful words put them together they will haunt you

Twat

2011-02-23T14:57:00.001-08:00

My Dan

An anagram of my name spells the words my dan
you skin is soft had spots like leopard
I love your checky grin and you silly teasing
you do what you want to
my sexy dan wanted to be with me a longtime
you promised to take me out of the arbury
not that I wanted to leave the arbury
you took me out of my worlds and showed me a different way to be
I wanted to be with you in our big bath
so liked you being around
felt so connected to you
felt so protected and so peaceful
it was nice to be happy for a little while
among thousands of people we felt alone together
that felt so good

Fat

2011-02-23T14:51:00.000-08:00

maybe you will get a back stage pass when you lose ten stone and die your hair blond
I thought you took me as I am
you think it is ironic, it made me cry
you didn't see me cry so thats okay
you usually go for skinny blonds
I thought you took me as I am
you didn't know what you seen in me neither do I
you ought to do something about that belly
thought you took me as I am
maybe you didn't get that it is wrong to call your girlfriend fat
retard you are, thought you took me as I am
you really must not let yourself go
did you let yourself go within a day
you looked nice at sonisphere, too late to undo your insults
I thought you took me as I am
maybe you didn't like who I am
I binned all the crappy clothes, I began to cycle and diet
I was scared I'd lose you because you no longer took me as I am
I will put my slap on and face the world
I look better now though my mind is shattered
really I am stupid for being who I am and letting you into my life
I was never really in your life not as I am

Insulting

2011-02-23T14:50:00.001-08:00

you used to say I was sexy
you can keep that sexy big arse and lose the rest
you used to love me and used to feel loved
It felt so good when you was nice to me why did you stop?
when your love left I felt you so cold nasty even
insults disguised as teasing instead of loving words
there was more of me to love, you found more to be repulsed by
I did not mind the affectionate teasing, didn't mind you calling me a loon
the retard insults served to shatter my world
no wonder I turned to insults myself I learnt well from you
maybe I am the only person not laughing, just a silent cry instead

Older

2011-02-23T14:49:00.002-08:00

Older

Seem to be behind a year
I don't feel my age
the older I get the less I like to remember
approaching 34 that sounds like sunch an old number
It is also the number of my flat
maybe that 34 will be a good year for me
as 33 has been a bit crappy started off so well
maybe this next year will be a roller coaster ride just like 2006
ride of emotions, moods, being and living
maybe a younger lover or too maybe none at all
going to leave it up to fate hope to get a better deal that lasts
this time

Sanity

2011-02-23T14:49:00.001-08:00

I have come down from where ever I was up high
I suddenly notice smells that trigger memories
feeling the calm after the storm,
brings a certain amount of peacefulness
my thoughts are more clear
they are not in control of me no longer race
just gently float on by
the dark thoughts are gone
I can read poetry and write again
I am noticing the leaves changing colour not dying
just beginning to rest for the winter
I feel the weather changing makes me feel alive
I am coming out of myself
there is a bitter wind blowing
I can hear the silence makes a whoosing sound
I have left myself and become part of the outside world
the lights have been turned down low and hope to sleep tonight

To Die For

2011-02-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

I have made some wonderful new friends
and reconnected with some old friends
I am certainly not alone now
I still feel the need for something or someone else
there a void left you cannot fill
waiting for someone to connect with to fill
you cannot fill that void
is there anyone out there someone to die for
or someone to live for
I lived for you and I felt alive when we were together
I have never wanted to die for you because I wouldn't have left you alone
like you have left me alone, you died for me because I am dead to you